we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
