There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
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