I'm going to jail i love you
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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