The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
