so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Randomize
