if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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