I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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