i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
