oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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