you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
