summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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