Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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