there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Randomize
