I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
