New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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