Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
