I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
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Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
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Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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