i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
