This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
