The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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