so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
