you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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