omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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