I'm jealous of your bromance
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
