was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
her facebook's as public as her vagina
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
