sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
