Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
