I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
