You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
