Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Randomize
