She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
