grandma shit on top of the toilet
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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