I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Randomize
