I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
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