Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
