Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
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