Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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