Have you finally orgasmed yet?
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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