After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
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I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
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I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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