i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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