I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
