it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I'm jealous of your bromance
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
We left an ass print on the piano.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
