i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I'm having to shit out rocks
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
