I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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