Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.