I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
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Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
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She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."