No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
