Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
