I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
