It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
