i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
