Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
These tits shall not be calmed
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
