you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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