I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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