fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Randomize
