Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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