super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
im six kinds of drunk right now
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
