my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
