dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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